Proof that even tossing balls around can have its own incredibly convoluted jargon, here's some helpful tips on keeping your balls in the air from the rec.juggling FAQ posted to news.answers.
8. How can I learn to juggle five balls? Probably your best bet for learning five balls is to find a good 5 ball juggler and have her or him teach you. Also, study good five ball jugglers when they ply their craft, notice how effortlessly smooth the pattern is, how high the balls go, how the balls cross. If you can't find a five ball juggler, you can practice several tricks that will help you learn five balls. The first is the three ball flash. Out of a three ball cascade, throw all of the balls into the air, then catch them as them come down and resume your cascade. It might be helpful to practice throwing one ball high, back and forth, so that you can get used to the higher throws that are necessary for juggling five balls. Another valuable trick is the three ball chase, or snake. Start with three balls in either hand, then throw them to the other hand in a one, two, three pattern and then catch them in the opposite hand, one, two, three. Make sure that your throws are consistent and follow each other in nice high arcs (those of you who've been to St. Louis can visualize the Gateway Arch). Then repeat the pattern, throwing the balls one, two, three, back to your original hand. Once your arcs are solid, you can keep the pattern going. Say you're starting with your right hand, throw the balls one, two, three, to your left hand. Your left hand will catch the first ball, then cascade it back to your right hand, under ball two. You will, similarly, cascade ball two under ball three, and then ball three will be cascaded back.
Rant du jour brought to you by alt.bitterness, "where surliness is an art form."
From: andyland@merle.acns.nwu.edu (Andrew W. Bailey) Subject: PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE LET ME GET WHAT I'M ENTITLED TO Date: Mon, 09 Jan 1995 Posted to: alt.bitterness MOROSE SKY, ROTTEN SATELLITE TOWN, RAIDING THE MEDICINE CABINET by Andy Harumph. Arose at 8 to start off my week with what I thought was a shitload of positive energy. You'll see! I am going to write 50 cover letters this week! I'm going to be so productive that the world's foundations will be rocked by all my exciting energy! And then by 11 a.m. I was feeling sluggish and powerless and defeated. I only wrote one cover letter, but at least I mailed it off this afternoon. I'm told it will take three business days for it to go Express Mail to France. You watch, someone will be hired for the position tomorrow. Harumph again. And merde. I went out an hour ago to get my car washed because it had all that salt crap all over it from the highway. I knew the minute that I stepped outside it would be a trying afternoon. The sky was that special hue of blah. The color that makes everyone else act as shitty as you. As I drove around this exclusive suburb, I could not help but notice how unhappy everyone looked, kids included. I used to think the North Shore was where all the Stepfords were, but it's clear that there are quite a few down here as well. At the car wash all these mutants were getting their utility vehicles cleaned. Now, you know I have a thing for utility vehicles, especially when they are just emerging from a nice hot wax. But then I saw all their owners milling about with one dollar bills wadded into their fat fingers (cheapo wealthy people are all the same) and realized what a disservice they do to their own automobiles. If you're going to walk around in public looking sour and ugly at least have the decency to drive something like a Mitsubishi Montero. Don't waste all that ugly energy and negative chakra on the Range Rover for crying out loud. Some broad had meticulously applied her make-up, but it was all caked into her wrinkles and she looked like a drag queen combined with Shelley Winters. There was an old guy couging up something in the lobby and all the housewives just stared on in horror. One lady pushed her little girl inside her coat to keep her away from all the bacteria that was undoubtedly shimmying through the air. And then I went to the post office, where surliness is a fucking art form. Again, nothing but women. A lot of them in fur coats even. I took a long time at the window and three of the gals behind me were tapping their toes out of impatience. They all looked incredibly brainwashed and sexually exhausted from too much vibrator. All of their impotent husbands undoubtedly were at the Board of Trade snorting cocaine and conducting business with their secretaries. And their remarkably unattractive children were surely concealed in some dismal private school where they're learning all about multiculturalism so that they can occupy middle management positions in American companies and not get carried away with the WASPY suburban mentality that tends to turn the ugly women behind me into impatient racist bitches. Oh, sorry. Sympathy for my fellow humans was going to be my new year's resolution but I see that I've gone and broken that one. So here I sit in the bloody basement. My Quark XPress isn't working properly and there's no goddamned hotline to call up. I chewed the fat with one of my old French professors and she said I could use her as a reference. And then I went upstairs and ate some lentils and read Food and Wine and patted myself on the back for recognizing that mashed potatoes would be the next food craze. It's no coincidence, I am sure, that mashed potatoes are also the preferred food of junkies. I'm telling you, people are going to the dogs. Have a nice day! Andy
Sometimes the Internet plays Robin Hood: giving the little guy a chance to fight back. Here's a delicious example, brought to us by the lgb-sports mailing list. For the author, it was a taste of revenge; for Neiman-Marcus, the recipe for a public-relations disaster.
From: r25654@er.uqam.ca Date: 94-12-21 17:47:50 EST Posted to: lgb-sports@hookup.net (Multiple recipients of the lgb-sports mailing list) My daughter & I had just finished a salad at Neiman-Marcus Cafe in Dallas & decided to have a small dessert. Because our family are such cookie lovers, we decided to try the "Neiman- Marcus Cookie". It was so excellent that I asked if they would give me the recipe and they said with a small frown, "I'm afraid not." Well, I said, would you let me buy the recipe? With a cute smile, she said, "Yes." I asked how much, and she responded, "Two fifty." I said with approval, just add it to my tab. Thirty days later, I received my VISA statement from Neiman- Marcus and it was $285.00. I looked again and I remembered I had only spent $9.95 for two salads and about $20.00 for a scarf. As I glanced at the bottom of the statement, it said, "Cookie Recipe - $250.00." Boy, was I upset!! I called Neiman's Accounting Dept. and told them the waitress said it was "two fifty," and I did not realize she meant $250.00 for a cookie recipe. I asked them to take back the recipe and reduce my bill and they said they were sorry, but because all the recipes were this expensive so not just everyone could duplicate any of our bakery recipes....the bill would stand. I waited, thinking of how I could get even or even try and get any of my money back. I just said, "Okay, you folks got my $250.00 and now I'm going to have $250.00 worth of fun." I told her that I was going to see to it that every cookie lover will have a $250.00 cookie recipe from Neiman-Marcus for nothing. She replied, "I wish you wouldn't do this." I said, "I'm sorry but this is the only way I feel I could get even," and I will. So, here it is, and please pass it to someone else or run a few copies....I paid for it; now you can have it for free. (Recipe may be halved.): 2 cups butter 4 cups flower 2 tsp. soda 2 cups sugar 5 cups blended oatmeal** 24 oz. chocolate chips 2 cups brown sugar 1 tsp. salt 1 8 oz. Hershey Bar (grated) 4 eggs 2 tsp. baking powder 3 cups chopped nuts 2 tsp. vanilla (your choice) Cream the butter and both sugars. Add eggs and vanilla; mix together with flour, oatmeal, salt, baking powder, and soda. Add chocolate chips, Hershey Bar and nuts. Roll into balls and place two inches apart on a cookie sheet. Bake for 10 minutes at 375 degrees. Makes 112 cookies. ** measure oatmeal and blend in a blender to a fine powder. ************************************************************ That's it. Please, pass it along to everyone you know, single people, mailing lists, etc.....
A worthy tribute to late-night TV's patron saint and proof that the truly strange are born, not made. Enthusiastic students of Lettermandom will note the recurring themes in his early work - particularly that of the canned ham. Symbolism? Of what? From the FAQ for alt.fan.letterman.
From: barnhart@mcs.net (Aaron Barnhart) Subject: alt.fan.letterman Frequently Asked Questions (read before posting) Date: 20 Dec 1994 03:00:03 -0600 Posted to: alt.fan.letterman Frequently Asked Questions (FAQ) for the alt.fan.letterman Newsgroup I heard that Dave used to be a weatherman in Indianapolis. From 1969 to 1974, as an intern and later a full-timer, Dave worked for his hometown Channel 13 as booth announcer, host of a Saturday morning kids' show and of the late-late movie, and yes, as weatherman. Dave once reported that the city was being pelted with hail "the size of canned hams" and he also enthusiastically congratulated a tropical storm when it was upgraded to hurricane status. Viewers of the _Late Show_ were recently treated to some old weather-report footage brought by Diane Sawyer, and here's what Dave said on the old report: "Let's take a look at the cloud-cover photograph made earlier of the United States today and I think you'll see that once again we've fallen to the prey of political dirty dealings. And right now you can see what I'm talking about: the higher- ups have removed the border between Indiana and Ohio, making it one giant state! Personally, I'm against it." Didn't he have a radio show, too? For about a year following his t.v. job. It was at WNTS, back when it was all-talk. This gig did not go so well for him. "I was miscast because you have to have somebody who is fairly knowledgeable, fairly glib, possessing a natural interest in a number of topics," he later told an interviewer. "That certainly is not me. I don't care about politics. ... The Nixon-Watergate nonsense was the perfect example of something about which I knew nothing and couldn't have cared less." So Dave got bored and started making stuff up. According to Caroline Latham, one time "he told his listeners that their beloved 230-foot-tall Soldier's Monument ... had been sold to the island of Guam, whose government planned to paint it green in honor of their national vegetable, the asparagus." >>> It has been rumored that Dave got fired for his on-air remarks at Channel 13 or WNTS. In fact, the only place he ever got yanked from was Ball State's pathetic ten-watt all- classical campus radio station. What else can you tell me about Dave's career in show bidness? As you may know, when Dave arrived in Hollywood in 1975 he found work as a comedy writer for Jimmie Walker and Paul Lynde, and as a player on Mary Tyler Moore's short-lived variety show. Because of his friendship with Allen Ludden (I am not kidding), Dave landed a guest-star spot on Dick Clark's _$10,000 Pyramid_ and Ludden's own _Liars' Club_ (as a "guest celebrity"). In his career, Dave has also played a Werner Erhard-alike in an episode of _Mork and Mindy,_ made several appearances in _Open All Night_ (a t.v. show which lasted the season between the morning and late-night shows), appeared in a murder mystery called _Fast Friends_ that starred Dick Shawn as a talk show host who drops dead and is replaced by Dave, made a cameo in _The Building_ (yet another short-lived t.v. show, which aired in 1993, starred Bonnie Hunt, and was co-produced by Dave), played himself on _The Larry Sanders Show_ (he "leaked" to Larry that the 12:35 show on CBS would be given to Tom Snyder, which in fact turned out to be true), and made a movie cameo in _Cabin Boy_ (1994), which starred Chris Elliott. I wonder why Dave doesn't do more movies? In fact, Dave was under contract to Touchstone Pictures, but has since extricated himself from it. What happened was Michael Eisner, the chairman of Walt Disney Company, signed Letterman to *not* do movies for other companies. "Eisner's kid had gotten ol' Dad to wrangle some tickets when Dave was in L.A.," recalls Bill Jones, who saw Eisner interviewed by Bob Costas on _Later._ "Eisner ... got excited when he got there and saw the huge lines and movie-premiere atmosphere. He's thinking, this guy is like a movie star/rock star already. What could we do if we actually put him in the movies? Delighted to find the next day that Dave had no movie obligations, they contacted Dave's people. They were shocked to find that our TV Pal wanted no part of any movie deal. He was pretty sure he would suck, and told them so many times. ... Dave suggested they go look at his screen test for _Airplane!_ in the role eventually played by Robert Hays. After the contract was signed, they finally did, and Eisner said he turned white as a ghost -- Dave really was that bad." Eventually, as Bill Carter reports, the contract was terminated and Disney's money more or less cheerfully refunded. >> The name of Dave's movie production company? Cardboard Shoe. He also had a production company for his NBC morning show (1980) called Space Age Meats. What the hell is this thing Dave's got for Tom Snyder? Dave was a big _Tomorrow_ fan and has claimed to have seen between 80 and 85 percent of the shows (Merrill Markoe, his live-in at the time, says Dave "revered" Tom). So although strictly speaking he is the man who displaced Snyder in 1982 -- but give credit to NBC for pairing Tom with the execrable Rona Barrett and turning the quiet chatfest into a noisy, garish variety show -- Letterman has always said publicly that Snyder ought to be on network television again. Bill Jones notes that Dave has proven he is a man of his word: "Much of the first ten Carson years of the Tonight Show were erased [1962-72, the New York years]. They were going to do same thing to the Tomorrow tapes after Snyder was gone, but they were stopped by -- David Letterman! One of the reasons that ... Tom described Dave as a true friend." I've heard it said that had Dave gotten the _Tonight_ gig, he would've abandoned the _Late Night_ format entirely -- not just honed its rough edges like he did on CBS -- and done a show very much like Carson's. The writer and infomaven Mark Evanier, who knows Leno, Letterman and many of the people who work for them, says, "One of Dave's current writers even told me he was glad D.L. didn't get the gig because he thinks Dave would have dumped most of the staff, moved to Burbank and done something that more resembled a variety show." Yet it's hard not to draw the conclusion based on a year and a half of _Late Show_ broadcasts that Dave *did* make a significant change by switching networks and venues. He may not do a variety show but whatever that is he's doing ain't the old _Late Night._ Merv Griffin once said that all talk show hosts must freshen up their format every few years. He said he did it by switching networks and time slots, while Johnny Carson did it by firing his staff. If those are the primary choices, then it seems Dave has chosen to take the Merv road. I have wondered if Dave was a recovering alcoholic. He had John Larroquette on the show one night, who is recovering, and talked about the days when he used to drink heavily. Unfortunately, Dave is just the kind of enigmatical, jealously private person that the media looove to speculate about. He is not forthcoming at all about his personal life in this or any other department. For the record, Dave used to drink a lot but gave it up not long into his _Late Night_ run. Who was the woman who kept breaking into Dave's Connecticut home claiming to be "Mrs. Letterman"? Margaret Ray. And she still breaks in from time to time, according to Dave in his January 1994 _Playboy_ interview. He says he has tried to get her some psychiatric help, because the state has let her case "fall through the cracks." But for now, she's on the lam. Should I break into Dave's home? Oh, why not. Just be out of there by 10 p.m. when he comes home. Also, our friend Jen Laurie recently cruised by Dave's house (yes, she's still in college) and says that at the end of his driveway on this big tree is nailed a sign that says, "These premises protected by Security Attack Cats." Is there any specific reason why audience members have to be 16 or older? Each evening an audience member is chosen to drive Dave home. What are some of Dave's "Indiana-isms?" From Tim Veatch -- o ask...or as we say in Indiana...ax o Bush...or as we say in Indiana...Boosh o extra...or as we say in Indiana...extree o Illinois...or as we say in Indiana...Illinoiz o Italian...or as we say in Indiana...Eye-talian o mosquitos...or as we say in Indiana...skeeters o nuclear...or as we say in Indiana...nuc-u-lar o President Clinton...or as we say in Indiana...Pars'dent Clinton o pumpkin...or as we say in Indiana...punkin o show business...or as we say in Indiana...show bidness o similar...or as we say in Indiana...sim-u-lar o special...or as we say in Indiana...spay-shul o statistics...or as we say in Indiana...suh-tistics o veteran...or as we say in Indiana...vet'rin o Washington...or as we say in Indiana...Warshington o wolf...or as we say in Indiana...woof
Stand on your head, take two orange children's asprin, and recite the Koran backward! No? How about drinking soda water, hitting yourself on the head with a ball-peen hammer, and kicking your dog? At this point, we'll try anything, including these hangover cures from alt.folklore.urban.
From: monte@CAM.ORG (Luigi Monteferrante) Subject: Hangovers or "My hair hurts" Date: Sat, 31 Dec 1994 Posted to: alt.folklore.urban How does one rid themselves of a hangover? Is it even possible? Once you've crossed that thin line between buzzing and barfing, is there some special home-brew miracle potion to alleviate the effects of having gotten "ripped" the night before? I know people who swear by the "Drink what you drank the night before" cure. Others believe swallowing a spoonfull of cooking oil before drinking is the ticket. The best I've heard (at least the most believable) involves scooping out the inside of a loaf of crusty-type bread, scrunching it up into a tiny ball and then swallowing it. This must be done soon after having finished drinking, the "logic" being that the bread will expand in the stomach and soak up the alcohol like a sponge. There's probably many reasons why that one is as silly as the rest, but I wonder.... Is there any way to prevent or cure hangovers? ------------------------------------------------------- From: grossman@crl.com (Mike Grossman) Subject: Re: Hangovers or "My hair hurts" Date: 31 Dec 1994 Posted to: alt.folklore.urban This is an interesting string on this very topic, right now, on rec.food.drink. The most popular answer is a couple big glasses of water before going to bed after over-indulging. This works well for many people. Also, vitamin B-12 has been recommended before going to bed, along with water, as this a main nutrient that is broken down when drinking. Other suggestions include: 1) after waking up with a hangover, drink a pint of chocolate milk, eat a banana, and then drink a can of cola. 2) after waking up, eat a greasy breakfast 3) wipe you armpits with slices of fresh lemon after indulging, before going to sleep 4) lite beer I vote for lots of water before going to bed...
