A truly excellent West Side Story spoof (in my opinion, anyway). It's based on the production I was in, so a few references may not make any sense. E-mail me if you're desperate to understand something.

West Side Story, according to Jon Sandys

Act 1

Prologue/Scene 1 - The Street

Riff walked into the middle of the playground, whistling. He paused, crouched down, and began clicking his fingers. Big Deal and Diesel sprang into place beside him, followed by Baby John, Snowboy, and A-Rab, who appeared to be mincing already. All clicking their fingers, they began walking, dancing and spinning, operating like a well-oiled machine.

The trouble was, although this aforementioned machine was very well oiled, and behaved as such, it also behaved like an extremely old, rusty, and broken machine. In fact, the only way in which the oil manifested itself was in the way in which the Jets kept slipping up.

But I digress. Two boys, wearing different types of clothes from the Jets, crossed their path, playing basketball. Catching Riff's eye, the one holding the ball froze in fright, letting the ball fall to the feet of Big Deal. After it fell to his feet, it rolled behind him, and he fumbled around for it a bit. Picking it up, he threw it to Baby John, and it was passed around. Slowly, just in case.

They minced down the street, and met two other blokes, belonging to the same gang as the ball players (the Sharks). The Jets formed a makeshift path, and beckoned the Sharks along it. Surprisingly, even though Manhattan doesn't have any narrow streets, the two Sharks chose to walk right in between all the Jets. A-Rab tripped up Chino, who sprawled on the pavement. Bernardo hopped down from a wall and gave A-Rab a good kicking. The rest of the Jets and Sharks ran on, and a free-for-all broke out.

The barely intrusive music stopped, and there was an uncomfortable pause. The Jets and Sharks kept fighting, but they seemed restrained, as if they'd done all the fighting they'd planned on doing, and weren't too sure what to do next.

There was a sudden scuffle in the distance, and Glad Hand, who shall appear later, shoved two policemen onto the playground, which seemed odd, because he was quite a quiet bloke really. One of the policemen, Kupcake, stepped forward and dragged the two gangs forcefully apart. The effect of this was somewhat diminished by the fact that the two gangs had pretty much stopped fighting already.

“All right, kill each other,” said Skank, the other cop. There was a pause. “Go on then,” he continued.

“What?” said Riff and Bernardo together.

“I said kill each other. I've got nothing else to do today, and it'll be good for a laugh”.

“Er, sir,” said Kupcake. “Having them kill each other this early on could well knacker up the plot a bit”.

“Really?”

“Yeah”.

“Damn. All right then Bernardo, get your fuc... I mean 'friends' out of here. Please. With a cherry on top. And ice cream”. Nothing happened. “Nuts?”

“Well there's no need to be like that,” moaned Bernardo, and he stalked off.

“I'm fed up with you lot fighting all the time,” said Skank. “Make nice with the Puerto Ricans, or I'll beat you up, and then run you over”.

“Sir?” asked Kupcake again.

“What now?”

“Shouldn't that be `run you in'?”

“Really? Well, I suppose it makes a bit more sense like that. Not as much fun though. Ah well, say goodbye, Kupcake”.

“Bye boys. Oooh! Shut that door!”

“Yeah right,” said Skank, as he and Kupcake walked away.

“Aren't they nice,” said A-Rab once they'd gone.

“Oh shut up, you ponce,” said Riff. “We fought for this land”.

“Why?” asked Big Deal, using up his only line.

“Because that's what gangs do. We've got to hang onto it, so we're going to fight the Sharks”.

“Oh. A rumble,” apathised Action.

“Cool it Action!” shouted Riff. “Any cooler and he'd be dead,” thought Riff. “We'll let them call weapons, and they could ask for anything. But if they say switchblades, I'll get a gun. If they say bottles, I'll get a gun. If they say guns, I'll run away”.

“Then let's fight!” exclaimed Diesel.

“OK, I'll challenge Bernardo at the dance tonight. I'll take Tony with me. You lot can go - I'll just burst into song”. The Jets ran off before he could start.

Scene 2 - A Back Yard

“Come on Tony, the dance'll be fun!” said Riff.

“No thanks, I'd prefer to stay here and stack these bottles,” replied Tony.

“Without a gang you're nothing! You need to join us again. Come to the dance tonight at ten. You never know, there might be a bit of crumpet there for you”.

“Phwoar!” said Tony. “Count me in, meladdio. I'll be there”. Riff ran off as Tony began singing for no good reason.

Scene 3 - The Bridal Shop

“Anita, you're so boring!” whinged Maria. “Chop the neck down a bit. I want cleavage you could crack rocks in”.

“No chance. You're too young for that stuff,” said Anita.

“Oh, it's so boring here. I've been here a month, and what's happened so far? Sweet FA, that's what. You lot go partying every night, and I get stuck here sewing. That's a good point actually - I'm sitting here, surrounded by dresses that I've made, while you're just holding a dress. Right you cow, you come here and sew. I'm going out”.

This potentially plot ruining situation was defused by the arrival of Bernardo and Chino.

“Ah, Bernardo!” cried Maria. “Isn't this dress lovely?”

“Very,” said Bernardo.

“Ahem,” coughed Anita.

“Very beautiful,” repeated Bernardo, staying as far away from Anita as the stage allowed. “Let's go to the dance”.

Maria began spinning around and around, getting faster and faster.

“What are you doing?” asked Chino.

“Changing the scene to the dance, you fool,” replied Maria.

“What are you on? We're driving to the gym. Get a move on”.

“Sorry. Don't know what came over me,” said Maria as she followed them out.

Scene 4 - The Gym

The gym was alive with streamers, lights, and amazing dancers. Well all right, there were lots of lights. OK, some. All right, stop picking. There was just one light, no streamers, and none of the people could dance. Apart from that it was a great night.

Everyone was spinning around, arms outstretched. Although it really was a large gym (honest), it seemed strange, because everyone kept colliding with each other. The two cops, Skank and Kupcake, were wandering through the crowd, coming close to decapitation on several occasions. Bernardo arrived with Maria and Anita, saw Riff, and decided to give him a good kicking. He started to walk forward, but his attempt was halted by the youth leader, Glad Hand.

“All right, boys and girls, attention please!” he said, even though they seemed pretty attentive already. “Because none of you know each other, and don't want to either, and because I'm so utterly sad, we're going to have some get together dances!” This was met with a sudden and violent burst of apathy. “OK, make two circles - boys on the outside, girls on the inside”.

“Where are you?” asked Snowboy.

“Oh ha bloody ha, you're such a f*cking comedian!” shouted Glad Hand. “Er, I mean ahahaha. Ahaha. Right, two circles kids”. Nothing happened. “Well it won't hurt you to try”.

Snowboy staggered forward and fell to Glad Hand's feet. “Oh it hurts, ooooh the agony! The pain, the pain! The bells! Esmerelda! Aaaargh!” Kupcake, horrified by this bout of overacting, stepped forwards and grabbed Snowboy by the throat, pulling him off the ground and back to his place.

“OK boys and girls, two circles”. Riff took Velma's hand, and moved to the centre of the gym. Not to be outdone, Bernardo decided to take Anita's whole body, and they moved to the centre of the gym. Feeling a bit of a twat, Riff retrieved the rest of Velma, and moved back to the middle.

“That's it, keep the ball rolling”. The rest of the Jets and Sharks, after looking around for a ball, and realising it had just been a figure of speech, formed themselves into two rough circles. There then followed a very embarrassing bout of “dancing,” involving the Jets and Sharks moving their feet and occasionally clapping their hands gently. Dwelling on this as little as possible, the next event of any interest was the arrival of Tony.

He ran in, and caught sight of Maria. A strange thing then happened. Of their own accord, all the “dancers” moved backwards, leaving Tony and Maria alone.

“You're not thinking I'm someone else?” asked Tony.

“I know you are not. Hold on - I've never met you before so I don't know who I'm meant to think you are, let alone who you're not”.

“Don't start philosophising, or we'll be here all day. Fancy a kiss?”

“Oh all right, you've persuaded me”. They leant forward, and paused. Someone coughed.

Bernardo staggered forward, as if pushed by someone. “Er ..... go home, American! Come on Maria, you're going back to your sewing - I fancy a pair of socks”.

“Well, each to his own,” said Tony. “Personally, I quite fancy your sister, but what do I know. If you'll excuse me, I'll just burst into song”. Everyone ran off.

Scene 5 - A Back Alley

Tony appeared under Maria's balcony. “Oy! Slag!” he shouted.

“You hopeless romantic,” called Maria from above. “Anyway, you can't come up - Bernardo will be home soon”.

“Just for a minute”.

“A minute is not enough”.

“For an hour then”.

“No, that's too long”.

“Well, we'll play it by ear. I'm coming up”. He clambered up the fire escape, and made it to the top after a surprisingly short time. “I haven't got much to say really. Blah blah blah, I love you, blah blah, good night”.

“I'll see you at the bridal shop tomorrow”.

“Blimey, you're going a bit fast, aren't you?”

“No, it's where I work”.

“Oh. All right, see you tomorrow”.

“Bye”. [This heartbreakingly romantic talk was interspersed with singing, which I've omitted for reasons of interest].

Bernardo and Anita entered the bridal shop with the rest of the Sharks.

“Cor dear, that Maria eh?” said Bernardo. “Flirting with that American bloke”.

“Girls are allowed to do that in America,” said Anita. “Stop being such an old woman”.

“Yeah, `Nardo,” said Chino. “Why is it a problem?”

“America is a great place. Puerto Rico was a dump,” said Anita.

“Anita - you're talking drivel,” said Rosalia. “I'd like to sing a song about how nice it is”. Everyone ran off.

Scene 6 - The Drugstore

“Where the hell is everyone?” asked Action. “We're meant to be having a war council!”

“Superman's great,” squeaked Baby John.

“Has that got anything to do with anything?” asked Anybody's - that really really nice person who I'd never slag off ever, ooh no.

“Not really,” squeaked Baby John. “But I love him”.

“Then marry him,” said A-Rab. “Actually don't - I quite fancy him myself”.

A-Rab's marriage plans were disrupted by Snowboy's arrival.

“Hey everyone!” he shouted. “Guess what! Listen, come on, listen!”

“What is it? Has there been a fight?” asked Diesel.

“No, better than that! I got caught sneaking out of the movies! And, right, get this, right, no, come on, right, listen, I got caught sneaking out because, right, get ready to laugh, right, because .... I sneaked in!!!!!!! Hahahahaha!!!! Funny or what?”

The Jets were silent for a while. They looked slowly at one another, then at Snowboy. Then, as one, they grabbed him by the neck and threw him out of the drugstore. They sat down, and began playing darts.

After a while, Riff turned up, looking a bit dishevelled.

“Hey Riff!” said Action. “Are they coming?”

“Wha..?” said Riff.

“Riff, you look a bit odd,” said Diesel.

“Hmm? Oh. Sorry I'm late. I would have been here earlier, except some twat threw Snowboy at me. I don't suppose any of you lot would know anything about that?” The Jets looked embarrassed. “I thought so. Bernardo's on his way over here”.

Taking his cue perfectly, Bernardo walked through the door.

“Bernardo, we challenge you to a rumble,” said Riff.

“What about gracious living?” asked Bernardo.

“To hell with that, I fancy a scrap. Under the highway, tomorrow, after dark. OK by you?”

“Er, fine”.

“Right, weapons. I thought we'd have guns, and you'd have, let's see ..... nothing. All right?” asked Riff.

“Yes, that's fine ..... hold on!” shouted Bernardo. “You've got to get up pretty early in the morning to catch the Sharks out. I see what you're trying to do. Well you can forget it. I'll decide how it's going to be. You'll have the guns, and we'll have nothing. Ha!”

Bernardo stormed out.

Bernardo stormed in.

“No! No! Sorry! Bit of a mistake there. Right. What about sticks?”

“Rocks”.

“Poles”.

“Cans”.

Tony burst in.

“Hey Doc!” he called. Seeing the two leaders, he paused, then walked up to them.

“Bricks?” continued Bernardo.

“Bats”.

“Clubs”.

“Chains”.

“Oh, mater!” shouted Tony. “Oh no, we can't get too close, I might break a nail! Better use weapons, because we might get a bit mucky otherwise! Oh, toodle pip mater, I'm orf to play the grahnd piahno! Why have you got to use weapons? Have a fist fight instead, it's more fun”.

Bernardo thought for a moment.

“Oh, all right - you've persuaded me. I'll give Diesel a kicking, and we'll be all square”.

“Fair fight,” agreed Riff. “See you tomorrow”.

Big Deal, who was standing by the door, whistled. Well sort of. He raised his hand to his mouth, got ready to blow, when he realised he wasn't holding a whistle. Suddenly there was a scuffle off to one side, and Kupcake dived across stage, thrusting the whistle into Big Deal's hand as he passed at Mach 2. Then Big Deal whistled, and the two gangs mixed up as Skank walked in.

“Right you lot, get lost,” he threatened. “Go on, left right left right, get a move on!” The Sharks stalked out. “Riff, you gonna tell me where you're gonna fight? No? Please? Pretty please? With a che... no, I'm not doing that again. Bye”. The Jets followed him out.

Tony walked up to Doc, and started to sweep the floor.

“Why make it a fist fight?” asked Doc. “That's no fun”.

“Oh, I'm just on top of the world - I'm in love! Buenas noches, Seņor. Oh what a giveaway,” said Tony as he walked out.

Scene 7 - The Bridal Shop

“Finally, that old cow's gone home!” said Anita. “I'm going out with Bernardo later on - you can go home and sew”.

“Oh, not again,” moaned Maria. “You go on, I'll lock up”.

“Right, I'll see you at home. I'm going to have a bubble bath all during supper: Black Orchid. Of course, the pasta might get a bit soggy, but what the hell”.

Tony ran in.

“Maria!” he called. He caught sight of Anita. “Whoops! Erm, oh dear, is this the bridal shop? Silly me, I was looking for the curry house. Honest. I'll be on my way, shall I?”

“He just came to deliver Aspirin,” lied Maria. Anita wasn't fooled.

“Oh, obviously,” she said sarcastically.

“Don't tell anyone, will you?” pleaded Maria.

“No, don't worry. But be home soon”. Anita left.

“She likes us,” said Tony. “My mother would like you too”. He grabbed a chair. “Look - she'd come running to meet you”.

“Your mother's quite an odd shape,” pointed out Maria.

Tony pointed at another chair. “Yeah? Well so's yours! What kind of mother's got four legs?”

“Oh stop it you romantic fool,” said Maria. Let's have a pretend wedding then sing a song”. The chairs ran off.

Scene 8 - The Neighbourhood

“We're gonna give you a kicking tonight!” shouted the Jets.

“No - we're gonna give you a kicking tonight!” shouted the Sharks.

“Anita's gonna get a kicking tonight!” shouted Anita. The two gangs looked at her. Anita peered at her script. “Oops, sorry. Anita's gonna get her kicks tonight!” she corrected.

Tony and Maria began singing to each other. Everyone else ran off to the highway.

Scene 9 - Under The Highway

“Everyone ready?” asked Riff.

“Yup,” said everyone.

Tony ran in.

“Hold it! There's no need for us to fight!” he shouted.

“Yes there is!” screamed Bernardo as he pushed Tony over. “Come and have a go if you think you're hard enough!” This proved to be a stupid thing to say - Riff did think he was hard enough, and started to smash Bernardo's head into the pavement. Bernardo pushed him away, and grabbed a knife. Riff reached into his pocket, and pulled out a cigar. Looking at it for a while, he threw it away and decided to use a knife instead. He lunged at Bernardo, but Tony grabbed him.

“Riff, don't!” he cried.

“Now I do not believe you wanted to do that,” said Bernardo as he stabbed Riff. Riff clutched his stomach, wobbled around, fell over, and lay still. Getting up, he took a life insurance policy out of his pocket, filled it in, posted it, and collapsed again. Crawling back to his feet, he staggered over to Diesel. Leaning forwards, Riff began to speak.

“Tell Velma ..... no, scrap that. Get an ambulance!”

“Tell Velma what?” asked Diesel.

“No, listen - tell Velma nothing. Get me a bloody ambulance, before.....” Riff fell to the floor.

“Before what?” asked Diesel. Riff said nothing. Of course, him being dead (finally) might have had something to do with that. “Before what?” repeated Diesel. “Come on, you can't leave me like that!”

“Whoops,” said Tony. Desperate for revenge, he took the knife out of Riff's hand, and stabbed Bernardo. A massive fight then broke out, stopped by a police whistle. Everyone ran away except Tony, who waited just long enough to nick Bernardo's wallet before running off.

Act 2

Scene 1 - The Bedroom

“This is my last night as a blonde,” said Consuelo, rather cryptically, since she had brown hair.

Maria danced into the room, all dressed up.

“Where's Chino taking you?” asked Rosalia.

“He's taking me nowhere. Tonight is my wedding night,” said Maria.

“You're mental,” said Rosalia and Consuelo. “What's going on with you?”

“I'll sing you a song to tell you about it,” said Maria. Rosalia and Consuelo ran off.

When she finished, Chino arrived.

“You've been fighting!” accused Maria. “Why?”

“I don't know why. It happened so fast,” stammered Chino.

“You must wash up, because I can't be bothered,” said Maria. “Come on, those saucepans have been there for days!”

“At the rumble -” started Chino.

“There was no rumble”.

“There was”.

“No, there wasn't”.

“Look. I was there, all right? If I say there was a rumble, then there bloody was, OK?”

“What happened?” asked Maria.

“Bernardo and Riff were fighting, then they both took out a knife. Tony ran forward going `No!', and grabbed Riff, then I stood on a box, because I couldn't see very well, and I slipped, so I had to get back on it, and -”

“Get a move on!” shouted Maria. “What happened? Say it quickly!”

“Then the knife - and `Nardo - and someone -”

“What about Tony?”

“Aren't you worried about Bernardo?”

“No, he's dead - what about Tony?”

“He killed your brother,” said Chino menacingly, grabbed a gun, and walked out. Why there was a gun hidden in a bridal shop is just something we'll never know.

“I don't believe you! I don't believe you! Look, I'm covering my ears! I can't hear you! La la la! I can't hear what you're saying!” called Maria. Tony climbed in through the window. “Killer killer killer......” cried Maria.

“Sorry - I just got a bit carried away. Let's go somewhere else,” said Tony.

“Oh. That's all right then. Let's sing a song about what we're going to do”.

Scene 2 - Another Alley

A-Rab and Baby John met each other on the basketball court.

“They get you yet?” asked A-Rab.

“Yes they have actually,” answered Baby John. “At this moment I'm sitting in a cell down in the police station”.

“There's no need for sarcasm,” minced A-Rab. “I wish it was yesterday”.

“Let's run away”.

“What, you mean elope together? Oh, it's just what I've always dreamed of! I never knew you cared!” Baby John backed away.

“No, I just meant escape somewhere. I'm scared,” he said.

“Well don't be, you heartbreaker! You're making me scared too!” Kupcake blew his whistle and shouted in the distance.

“Hey you two!” He walked forward. “Yeah. You”.

“Look, it's fat bloke,” said A-Rab. “Er, I mean Officer Kupcake. Hello”.

“If you two don't stop when I whistle, I'll have to chase after you, and I don't want to do that,” said Kupcake. “You're going down to the station house”.

“Which way?” asked Baby John. Kupcake spun round to face him. They stood there facing each other in silence. Eventually, A-Rab tapped him on the shoulder, and pushed him over. [Slapstick - don't ya just love it? Not if you're on the bloody receiving end]. They ran away, laughing. Kupcake struggled to his feet and chased after Baby John, blowing his whistle.

The other Jets ran into the area as Baby John and A-Rab returned.

“Look at the brass-ass run!” called A-Rab.

“I hopes he breaks it!” shouted Baby John.

“Breaks what?” asked Diesel.

“The 100m sprint record, obviously,” said Action. “They don't know anything about us - to them we're juvenile delinquents”.

“Hey you!” said Snowboy, imitating Kupcake rather too well. “Yeah you. Wanna sing a song?” Everyone ran off.

Everyone ran back on as Anybody's appeared over the fence.

“Buddy boys!” she said.

“Go wear a skirt,” said Action.

“OK,” said Anybody's. She reappeared a moment later wearing a skirt. “Better?” she asked.

“Yeah, that's fine. Carry on with your lines,” said Action.

“Chino's looking for Tony, so I reckon we should find Chino and give him a kicking,” she said.

“Right - good idea. Jets - leg it”. Everyone ran off.

Scene 3 - The Bedroom

Tony and Maria were in bed when Anita knocked on the door.

“Maria?” asked Anita.

“I'm here,” Maria answered. “I didn't know it was locked”.

“Open the door”.

“All right”. Maria reached for the knob (way-hey!!) Tony stopped her (boo!). [OK, I'm sorry. I had to include that line. Look for yourself - it's in the script]. Hurriedly pulling on a shirt, he climbed out of the window.

There was a scream.

Climbing back in, he even more hurriedly pulled on a pair of trousers, then he climbed out of the window again. Maria opened the door.

“Who were you talking to in here?” Anita asked.

“Er ..... Chino. Yes, Chino. It was definitely Chino in here, and no-one else. Definitely not anyone else, and especially not Tony. Oh what a giveaway”.

“Right! Just for that I'm going to sing a song about what a bad bloke Tony is,” said Anita.

“Yeah? If you do that, I'll sing a song about how nice he is, so there!”

When they'd finished, there was a knock at the door, and Skank came in.

“Hello? I heard singing, so I know you're in”. He walked to the bedroom door. “I've got some questions for you. Who won the World Cup in 1936? How many types of insect are there in the Amazonian Basin? What's the capital of Bolivia?” He looked at his sheet of paper. “Sorry - those are for the police quiz evening. Anyway -” Maria interrupted him.

“Anita, could you go to the drugstore for me?”

“What?”

“You know, the drugstore”. Maria tapped the side of her nose.

“What, you've got sinus trouble?”

“No, go to the bloody DRUGSTORE and ask Doc to keep my SPECIAL DELIVERY for me until I come to pick it up. Got that?”

“I think so. Bye”. Anita walked off.

“Now, what was that question?”

“You were at the dance last night, and your brother got a bit annoyed because you danced with the wrong boy. Who was he?”

“His name was Tony”.

“DON'T LIE TO ME YOU LYING BITCH! WHAT WAS HIS NAME! ANSWER ME! COME ON! WHAT THE HELL WAS HIS NAME?”

“All right, you beat it out of me. He was called Humphrey Oberlunk the Third,” said Maria.

“That's more like it,” said Skank. “Don't think you can pan me off with stupid names like `Tony'. You think I'm an idiot? Don't answer that”.

Scene 4 - The Drugstore

“Keep an eye out for the PRs,” said Action. “Warn me if you see any -” Anita walked in, and was met by a loud burst of silence.

“I'd like to see Doc,” she said.

“He's not here,” said A-Rab.

“And we don't know when he'll be back,” said Anybody's.

“Let go of me!” shouted Anita, even though no-one was holding onto her. Diesel quickly grabbed hold of her.

“Non comprende!” he said.

“Di nada,” said A-Rab.

“Er... what he said!” said Action.

“I want to help Tony!” screamed Anita.

“No you don't - lying Spic!” shouted Snowboy, pushing her to the floor.

“Dirty Wop!”

“Gold tooth!”

“Pierced ear!”

“Garlic mouth!”

“Garlic bread!”

“Extra cheese!”

“Pepperoni!”

“And a side salad!”

“Stop it!” shouted Doc, as he appeared from the cellar. Anita got to her feet.

“Maria's never going to meet Tony!” she screamed. “Chino found out .... and shot her! Yeah, that's right, he shot her! Definitely!” She stormed out.

Scene 5 - The Cellar

Doc gave Tony some money.

“Thanks Doc,” he said. “I'll pay you back as soon as I can”.

“Forget it,” said Doc.

“Well, if you insist. Thanks very much”.

“No, er .... I mean ..... damn”.

“Doc, Maria and I are going to name all our children after you, even the girls,” said Tony.

“Tony, I ought to tell you that my name isn't really Doc. I'm actually called Belinda”.

“Oh. Well, maybe we won't name the girls after you then. But we'll definitely call all the boys Belinda”. Doc delivered a massive right hook to Tony's jaw.

“Wake up!” he shouted angrily. He looked at Tony's prone form. “Ah. Tony? Wake up! Hello? Come on Tony!” Tony slowly got to his feet.

“Doc, Maria understands what happened - why can't you? If love only lasts from one night to the next, it's worth the world!”

“That's all it did last,” said Doc gently.

“What?” asked Tony.

“I SAID: `THAT'S ALL IT DID LAST'. Hello! Understand? That was Anita upstairs just now. Maria is dead - Chino found out about you two and shot her”. Tony stood still, stunned. Then he began to run away.

“Hey!” called Doc. “Where are you going?”

“I'm running away,” said Tony. Maria's dead - I don't want to go the same way”.

“Come back here and challenge Chino like a man,” said Doc.

“Oh all right. Chino! Come and get me too Chino!”

Scene 6 - The Street

“Chino! Where are you Chino?” called Tony, quietly.

“Tony - over here!” said Anybody's, loudly.

“Go away! If Chino hears you then he might catch me!”

“Look, maybe we could just.....”.

“Go away! Go! Now!” Anybody's ran off.

“Chino?” whispered Tony. “Where are you?”

Suddenly Maria walked out of the shadows. Tony peered towards her.

“Maria?”

“No, it's Chino,” joked Maria.

“Aaaargh!!!!” shrieked Tony, and he ran off. Maria chased after him.

“Tony! I was joking! It's me, Maria”.

“Maria!” he called, as he ran towards her. Chino appeared behind him, holding a gun.

BANG!!!

“Are you gonna fire that thing, or just shout `Bang!' down my earhole?” asked Tony.

“Sorry,” said Chino, and shot him. Tony fell into Maria's arms, and they both fell to the ground. Maria was understandably a bit miffed by this, and grabbed Chino's gun.

“How do you fire this gun, Chino?” she asked.

“Well, you just point the barrel, that's the sharper end, at me, then pull this trigger here......”

“Shut up!” she shouted.

“I'm sorry, just trying to help...”

“We all killed him, and my brother and Riff too!” A-Rab and Baby John stood up.

“Actually,” they began, “we had nothing to do with it. We have several witnesses that can prove we were nowhere near....”

“Look, I was speaking metaphorically! Just sit down and shut the hell up!” screamed Maria. “How many bullets are left? How many can I kill, and still have one bullet left for me? PUT THAT CALCULATOR AWAY, CHINO!” She pointed the gun at Chino, then dropped it to the ground. She ran over to Tony and put her arms around his neck. The Jets and Sharks walked forward, picked up Tony's body, slipped, and dropped him. Tony moaned.

“He's not dead!” said Anybody's.

“Rubbish,” said Action. “He's dead, just leave it at that”.

“No, he's not,” she repeated. “Look, he's moving”. Chino picked up the gun, walked over to Tony, and shot him again.

“Happy now?” he asked Anybody's. Maria bent down and kissed Tony.

“Te adoro, Anton. All right, get the stiff out of here!” The Jets and Sharks picked him up and slung him off stage. Maria stood slowly to speak to the gangs.

“Anyone fancy a pint?”

The End

Updated 29/5/98 by JWES